Pop reviews! Vanbot, Bim, Alexandra Burke and more!

Vanbot - Got to Get Out

This dreamily escapist bit of pop magic, which (much like Vanbot's brilliant debut album) sounds like Robyn by way of The Sound of Arrows, is available for exactly $0 at http://vanbotmusic.com/, so go and get it post haste!

Designation: Class on Toast

Bim - Scream

This duo have mastered a certain intriguingly vulnerable yet confrontational vibe in their music, as witnessed on their fabulous self-titled album ("A Loving Side" is an unforgettable classic of passive-aggressive prettiness). They've gone a tad more upbeat and smooth, yet equally as strong and emotive, on their brand new single:

Verdict: Classy song; strangely cheesy video.

Alexandra Burke - Elephant

This is brilliant. It's refreshing to have the indisputable genius pop diva back, first of all, and she's finally singing about something besides partying after the one-two punch of "All Night Long" and "Don't Make Me Start Without You." Those tracks were sweet, but predictable compared to the harder edges of the sassy "Bad Boys" and the show-stopping ballad "The Silence."

The complex, unpredictable structure of the song mirrors the awkward, confused, yet determined tenor of the thematic content. It's just good to have a song for all of those awkward moments in life, isn't it?

Ashanti - The Woman You Love

While the reception has been disappointingly quiet so far, and the singles a bit slow to emerge, Ashanti's now-finally-ramping-up campaign for her upcoming album Braveheart keeps intensifying in fabulosity. Take her fierce album cover for example, and the enticingly passionate single "The Woman You Love." Despite a rather random "I just thought I'd stop by since I was in the neighborhood"-feeling guest spot by Busta Rhymes, overall this is a delightful track indeed:

Apart from Busta's ravings, this definitely Classy.

Jennifer Hudson ft Neyo and Rick Ross - Think Like a Man

The video may not be poised to win any awards for brilliant dialogue, but this is a gorgeous song that deserves to be a massive hit. Who doesn't love songs with a back-and-forth argument between male and female participants? This is like a badass R&B Gotye moment.

Extra points for the awesome outfits and dance moves, J-Hud.

Designation: Class on Toast

Brandy and Monica - It All Belongs to Me

Okay, I've actually been putting off talking about this, because I'm totally of two minds about it. The issue is that obviously we were hoping for more of an amazing actual song for this much-rightfully-hyped reunion. Maybe one that didn't include the lyric "so log off your Facebook."

Yet what right have we to complain, given the fact that Monica's making the "I will jack you up!" face/headbob movement already about 1 second into the video? Or given the sterling vocal and the magical chemistry these two ladies still share as performers? And then there's the outfits. I die. So it might be Cheese on Toast, but it verges close to Class.

Emeli Sande - Next to Me

Speaking of classy, that appellation applies to few new artists as perfectly as it does to Emeli Sande, whose unique and compelling first single "Heaven" was quite the headturner. She's back with more gentle wisdom in this new single:

Cover Drive - Sparks

This cute British trio have two priors, the trashilicious "Lick Ya Down" (seriously) and the sugary-fun "Twilight." "Sparks" continues more in the tradition of the latter, thankfully, and charmingly so.

Designation:Cheese on Toast.

Dev ft Fabolous - Kiss Me on the Lips

Dev is extremely impressive as a "featured" artist. Good Lord, what would "She Makes Me Wanna" by JLS or "Who's that Boy" by Demi Lovato be like without her? I shudder to think!

Yet her solo output is kind of just aiiight. Adorable, accessible, exceedingly listenable, but one wishes it had the irresistible panache and star power that oozes from her collaborative work.

Trash on Toast, clearly.

Carly Rae Jepsen - Call Me Maybe

Songs don't come much more huggable than this, and videos don't come much cheesier. Please, do enjoy.

A review of the film Gone

Pickings have gotten so scarce for Trashy Thriller enthusiasts that we pretty much have to take what we can get. What we can get these days is a far cry from the sleazy-sassy, often tightly-plotted and genuinely suspenseful Trashy Thrillers of the '90s. Those movies have disappeared, replaced by very sporadically released PG-13 watered-down rip-offs of the classics of the golden era - Fatal Attraction (Obsessed), Single White Female (The Roommate), et al. Without the Lifetime Movie Channel, goodness knows it would be even harder to satisfy our needs. And there will never be another I Know Who Killed Me, which is so disheartening.

However, when one is truly in the mood to enjoy a Trashy Thriller on the big screen, nothing else is an acceptable substitute. So even if the film's been reduced from a spine-tingling premise to a muddled puddle of chaste by our old friends at Summit (they are so good at this), and even if there are about five other patrons at the screening that day, we are so down.

Had Gone been a good deal grittier, the shoddy writing would be more excusable. Though Amanda Seyfried, as the shifty heroine Jill, gives a solid performance, she chooses to put a vulnerable spin on the half-crazed, desperate protagonist that sucks some of the potential out of the piece. A bit more gumption and badassness would have infused even the lamest of her "investigation" scenes with more interest. However, her shaky confusion so often comes off as complete airheadedness that the unintended laughs come frequently, a different but still enjoyable form of entertainment.

As we learn via extremely rushed flashbacks (God forbid we actually have time to get scared), Jill was kidnapped and thrown down a hole in the woods by a madman a while back, but she escaped. Now she lives with her sister Molly (Emily Wickersham) and spends her days wandering the woods looking for the hole she was tossed down, because the police can't find it. I'm completely serious. Yes, it's kind of awesome.

So when Molly disappears, Jill insists to the Unbelievably Stupid Cops (Daniel Sunjata, cardboard, and Katherine Moennig, with officially the worst female hairstyle I have ever seen) that the madman has returned. Unfortunately, the coppers don't believe that the crazy dude even exists, and just want to put poor Jill back in the looney bin. There are all of these weird insinuations that Wes Bentley's police guy either sincerely wants to assist Jill or is actually obsessed with her, none of which is ever explained (not that we need another tour de lame Bentley performance, but he is becoming a staple of the Trashy Thriller / B Horror genre, so maybe he was just passing by).

Equally useless is Jennifer Carpenter as Jill's diner coworker, who lives in a house and has kids (that's the extent of her character). So with no one to help her, Jill heads off on a totes hilarious and almost entirely fruitless search for clues, bopping from businesses to random sidewalks and dropping a whole bunch of lies to everyone she questions. Of course, we're meant to be questioning her sanity throughout, but shouldn't we really be back on the police only searching a massive national park for one day looking for the bodies of the madman's other victims? Or the way the cops blatantly insult Jill to her face, as though that's remotely allowable? She may be a blithering fool, but at least Jill has experience and determination on her side.

The last 20 minutes of the film are the best by far, as Jill finally tracks down her past abductor. These scenes really highlight what a great film this could have been if they had Gone for an R rating and the kinds of gory jolts and gruesome attacks the premise needs to be potent. And the final "confrontation" (eh) between Jill and those obnoxious cops could have used a lot more teeth. Still, as nearly plotless, vacuous little thrillers go, one might be far worse off than enjoying this silly film on a rainy afternoon.

8 trash bags out of ten.

Pop reviews! Marina and the Diamonds, Natalia Kills, Amanda Mair and more!

above: Natalia Kills

Marina and the Diamonds - "Homewrecker"

This stunning follow-up to "Fear + Loathing" and "Radioactive" continues the Elektra Heart campaign with more examinations of corruption and what motivates it. As with "Radioactive," the sound is a bit more mainstream and boppy than Marina's previous album, yet it perfectly suits the content and attitude on fabulous display here:

Designation: Class on Toast.

Natalia Kills - "Kill My Boyfriend"

Destined, if anyone out there is cool enough, to be the opening credits song for some amazing horror film, this brand new single has been seamlessly slotted into Natalia's often otherwise-brilliant debut album The Perfectionist.

Working on extremely wonky reasoning, the protagonist of this song decides to take matters into her own hands...

Designation: Predominately Trash on Toast, yet Natalia continues to elevate trash to levels of excellence never previously seen.

Amanda Mair - "Sense"

"Knowing you is killing me, again and again / and it doesn't make sense." As you can probably tell, the verdict is definitely Class on Toast for Ms. Mair's lush new single:

This, in addition to "Doubt" and "House," is certainly enough to make one impatient for June and the release of her debut album.

Matt Cardle - "Amazing"

For some reason, almost immediately after his first single went to #1, this X Factor winner faced a strange backlash that has led to the tepid reception of his subsequent releases. Yet just like "Starlite" before it, "Amazing" is a very adorable and somewhat epic anthemic pop song that deserves nothing but success.

I'm not exactly sure wassup with all of the crying people in the video, though the general theme is reminiscent of Gary Barlow's classic "Forever Love." Designation: Class on Toast.

Rebecca Ferguson - "Too Good to Lose" (Seamus Haji remix)

Here we have that rare and precious creature: the remix that completely trounces the original version of a track. The album/single mix of "Too Good to Lose" is sweet, but by-the-numbers mellow in a way that Rebecca's music often is. The remix, however, is an irresistible epiphany of lovestruck euphoria. Designation: Cheese on toast - in this unusual case, preferable to Class.

Olly Murs - "Oh My Goodness"

This is definitely one of the best tracks on Olly's rather enjoyable sophomore album, and is accompanied by a typically adowable video. Designation: Cheese on Toast

Pixie Lott - "Kiss the Stars"

I think we're all well aware that Pixie Lott is a far more capable and interesting pop artist than this single would suggest. A mere harken back to "Gravity," "Cry Me Out," "Can't Make this Over," or any of her other stunning previous works will remind us of this. But she seems to have gone off on an extreme tangent lately, reminding us that not only can she wear short shorts in every possible scenario of life, but she will; that she can collaborate with random rappers; that she enjoys "the club" just as much as any of her much more vapid contemporaries. Sigh. Not that "All About Tonight," "What do You Take Me For," and "Kiss the Stars" aren't enjoyable in their own right. They are - and there's the rub!

For with a little wink and a massive smile, Pixie is capable of bewitching the viewer with Pop Magic to the extent that lyrics such as "wherever we land / you'll be my spaceman" seem entirely viable. And as for the blatant ripping off of Katy Perry's "E.T.," well, it's just another rapid-blink inducing moment in a music video chock full of them. Yet this is much, much more delightful than it should be.

Designation: Cheese on Toast

David Guetta ft Sia - "Titanium"

Because we may as well leave off this entry on something seriously amazing:

Classy-toasty.

Class, Cheese, and Trash on Toast of the Day: Latter-day Madonna

• 

Right, let's start with the Class because if there is one reaction that everyone should feel upon hearing the new singles "Give Me All Your Luvin'" and "Girl Gone Wild," it's "this is cute and fun, but will Madonna ever make another album like Ray of Light again?" The challenge is not to bang one's head against the wall, declare a hunger strike until Ray of Light 2, or begin dry-heaving into a paper bag. Be strong.

Class on Toast Latter-day Madonna*:

Evidence of Class on Toast in the Above:

• Existential crisis
• Intense, searching lyrics
• Pretty and flowing garments
• Wandering, pondering, searching for truth/meaning
• Appropriately vulnerable vocal for longingly introspective and cathartic content
• No references to "the club," et al. No spelling-out of words.
• See also: entire rest of Ray of Light album. "What it Feels Like for a Girl." "Nothing Fails." "X-Static Process."

Cheese on Toast Latter-day Madonna:

Evidence of Cheese on Toast in the above:

• Cheesy costumes/props/accouterments
• Bubble gum and block primary colour schemes
• "I'm just here to have fun because I've earned it" vibe
• Retro feel - "Hung Up" is disco and "Give Me All Your Luvin'" is somewhat '80s a la "Dress You Up in My Love."
• However, note the varying degrees of success: while both songs are undeniably cute and catchy, "Hung Up" has a certain arch verve of sassiness to it, while the lyrics of "Give Me" are too simplistic, the message making "Music" seem deep.
• See also: "Sorry," "4 Minutes," "Beautiful Stranger," et al.
• Madonna once said that "Holiday" was a very ironic song for her to sing, since she really never has time to relax and enjoy herself. Hence, without a little tinge of bitchiness in them, her happy-go-lucky songs tend to seem a bit disingenuous.

Trash on Toast Latter-day Madonna:

Evidence of Trash on Toast in the above:

• Clear and utter Hot Messness.
• Obviously, one's impulse reaction to "American Life"** is "WTFhowdidthishappen???" However, it had the potential to be intriguing, except that the lyrics essentially mean nothing, the video is confusing and overbearing despite this, and the entire project feels like it's trying to hard. Then the rap happens.
• It is worth noting that amidst the said disaster area of "American Life," the track's production is very strong and catchy. Madonna also looks awesome with black hair and dressed in military garb.
• Sometimes, Pharrell Williams' production yields fantastic results (see: Britney's Blackout album). But sometimes it is tacky and obvious and generic and dull, as in the case of "Hard Candy."
• Candy is sexy! Sex is sexy! Urrrgggh-Meh.

*"Latter-day" being post-Evita Madonna.

**It's interesting and (intentionally?) weird that the beginning of the American Life album is a total incoherent and trashy mess, while almost the entire rest of the album is startlingly raw and introspective. There are some amazing tracks on that record that may never be properly appreciated by the public at large due to the problems of the early album campaign. Hence, perhaps, why we are now repeatedly visited with "FUN!Madonna!"

Whitney.

Nothing classier than "Saving All My Love for You" has ever occurred. From the flawlessly soulful vocal epitomizing an endlessly difficult relationship and place in life, to the sax inflections and amazing video, one could hardly ask for more in an utter classic ballad.

Similarly, has a better self-esteem anthem than "Greatest Love of All" ever been witnessed? The words "I decided long ago never to walk in anyone's shadow / If I fail, if I succeed / At least I've lived as I believed...no matter what they take from me, they can't take away my dignity" gave a rush of ambition and confidence to so many, myself included.

The giddy, exuberant goofiness of this delightful song and video, especially that headband, cannot be denied!

Thank you, Whitney, for releasing a song that all of us oversensitive people can relate to. We do get so emotional, baby!

When it comes to The Bodyguard soundtrack, "I Will Always Love You" got all the attention, yet for me, "I Have Nothing" is vastly superior, a no holds barred epic moment of balladry basically unequaled. Inevitably, some poor fool on American Idol always tries to sing this, and crashes and burns with equal inevitability.

"I Run to You" is another sterling pop moment from The Bodyguard. It's a tough-yet-vulnerable love song of incredible purity and strength.

Remember all of these videos from The Bodyguard? They're all the same. Sometimes the clips of Whitney and Kevin are in a different order, and the interspersed segments of Whitney singing are changed up, but essentially, these are all the exact same video. But we didn't care and we never got sick of it, because Whitney and The Bodyguard were the coolest effing things in the world at that point in time.

Whitney's flawlessly soothing rendition of the wisdom of Babyface made "Exhale (Shoop, Shoop)" another unforgettable classic. Encompassing what is indisputably the meaning of life with near-nonchalant perfection, here is some more complete Class on Toast.

Waiting to Exhale was a fun movie, especially for the scene in which Angela Bassett blew up the car, and all the moments of b.f.f. solidarity, but it was nothing in comparison to its amazing soundtrack. It also featured Whitney's heart-wrenching "Why Does it Hurt so Bad?"

It seemed like when I was fourteen, every single girl in my age bracket was handed a copy of the Waiting to Exhale soundtrack as an automatic welcome to being teenagers in the mid-nineties. It was everywhere.

Haters be damned, I liked The Preacher's Wife. Yet another outstanding soundtrack, especially with regard to the stunning "I Believe in You and Me":

My Love is Your Love was the last Whitney album I was especially aware of and into. "It's Not Right, but It's Okay" was extremely popular; I happened to prefer the smooth kiss-off ballad "I Learned from the Best":

The title track from My Love is Your Love had a pleasant, mellow feeling to it.

Class on Toast is forever!

Barbarellas - Night Mode (it's those twins from B*witched!)

Who are these mysterious ladies?!?!?!

Wait a minute....

Keavy and Edele, the endlessly peppy goofball twins from '90's Irish pop act B*witched, are back! Surely, you remember B*witched, they of the step-dance breakdowns and unkillable grins? If not, here's a quick refresher:

Oh my God. They make Steps seem smooth and sophisticated.

Having mislaid Sinead and Lindsay (the twins were the lead vocalists in B*witched anyway) along the way, Keavy and Edele have now formed Barbarellas, a dance-pop act that is quite a departure from their sugary-sweet roots. This is of course, in the sense that Barbarellas, as evidenced by their debut album Night Mode, is poser-"edgy", overproduced schlock. It is, however, really good fake-"scandalous" overproduced schlock, the epitome of that which I call Trash on Toast.

At their best, Barbarellas sound like the more inspiring output of latter-day Bananarama such as "Move in My Direction" and "Look on the Floor (Hypnotic Tango)." I really like saying "Look on the Floor (Hypnotic Tango)." At their worst, they sound like B*witched run through a garbage disposal and then doused in the sweat from a Lady GaGa tribute act at some random bar. Clearly, even the latter is not unenjoyable in the least.

"Body Rock," the debut single and first track on the album, is a glistening example of the lower end of Barbarella's abilities. Second outing "Night Mode" is far superior; at least the lyrics kinda sorta make sense, and "Big" continues the trend of mindless yet effective fun. The harder edges and bad girl stances, accompanied by blunter-toned and more produced vocals, do often distract from the Lynch sisters' stereotypical popdentities.

However, the feather boas alone serve as a clear reminder of the goofball tendencies, cementing Barbarellas' status as denizens of the realm of delightfully silly oblivion.

The album bops along seamlessly from one trashy romp to the next, until the standout track "Faith in Me" comes along. This stripped-down ballad, wherein we can actually hear the girls' vocal talents on display, sense actual emotion, and enjoy a darkness-tinged rally to hope, reveals the promise that with a bit more focus, Barbarellas could go much further with their next album:

After a few more dancey tracks, the album devolves into a strangely melodramatic and unconvincing series of ruminations, including "Smokin'"'s ridiculous bordello description. However, Night Mode is crammed with good timez and should definitely be checked out. The promise for greater achievements is there, if looked for, or one can simply enjoy the trashiliciousness for what it currently is.

8.5 pink flowers out of ten.

YA Book Reviews: Pretty Little Liars, Infernal Devices, Fallen and more!

Pretty Little Secrets: A Pretty Little Liars Collection by Sara Shepard

This collection of Liars stories takes place between two of the previous novels (Unbelievable and Wicked) and explains the shenanigans the girls got up to over one eventful winter break. Each Liar gets her own separate section of the novel, which has the effect of intriguingly isolating the types of stories which are usually interspersed amongst each other in the regular PLL books. While the first two stories, which are by far superior to the latter two, benefit from this method, the predictability of the second half of the book stands out more than it would if mixed in with other, more interesting tales.

Hanna's story, which kicks off the proceedings, is an often downright harrowing account of her insecurities mounting after Isabel and Kate move in and start taking over. As usual, Hanna's dad's tiny moments of redemption do little to excuse his often callous neglect of his daughter. This plotline is combined with an often hilarious gym adventure wherein Hanna tries to win the heart of a personal trainer.

Emily actually gets a lighthearted story this time out, which I'm fairly sure has never happened before, and it suits her beautifully. Her attempts to infiltrate a crew of "naughty elves" while working at the mall is cute and even suspenseful.

Aria's section of the book feels like filler, and is the weakest of the four. Her ex-boyfriend from Iceland is so obviously sketchy and lacking in charm that - even though we can buy her emotional desperation and romantic neediness - it's frustrating and fruitless to witness her attempts to make something out of nothing. Elements of this story that are supposed to be funny are just goofy and sometimes even annoying. The panther adventure is actually funnier when fleetingly referred to in the other parts of the book, though not as funny as the Aminowater references.

Spencer enjoys a fun, if by-the-numbers, little romp on vacation in Florida, once again competing with Melissa for a guy who clearly doesn't deserve either one of them. This section reminded me of a quick little Sweet Valley High story, tightly plotted and very readable, but paling in comparison to the earlier parts of Pretty Little Secrets.

9 pink flowers out of ten

Fallen by Lauren Kate

Paranormal teen romance may be exceptionally (and often delightfully) common, and reincarnated angel romances a subgenre we've seen a few times (even spliced with vampires in Melissa Marr's Blue Bloods series). Obviously, every single one of these novels requires a love triangle. So with all of these qualities in heavy play, what does Lauren Kate bring to the party that makes Fallen special?

A likable heroine is one important and increasingly rare element, as it is especially difficult to remain relatable and non-bitchy while two guys are fighting over one. Yet Luce, a raven-haired beauty sent to a reform school after a mysterious and deadly fire, manages to be unassuming but not as obnoxiously fake-"who? me?"-seeming as some of her genre peers are. Luce feels bizarrely drawn to the outright rude and petulant Daniel, and naturally is not as intrigued by the apparently sweet and genuine Cam, who seeks her affections as assiduously as Daniel avoids them.

The mythology doesn't really unfold until the final chapters, and much remains to be explained in the sequel. Even though the bulk of the first novel is spent following Luce as she cute-stalks Daniel and tries to solve his enigma, a slow-burn build-up is made likable by the romantic tone and a cast of relatively plucky schoolmate characters. The eventual battle is fleetingly portrayed, and the ending dwells too long on repetitive confessions of love, yet the epilogue poses fascinating questions about where the story will go next.

9 pink flowers out of ten.

Evernight by Claudia Gray

I found the pages flipping by quickly with this one, despite its utter predictability and somewhat juvenile characters. After all, don't we all read YA novels expecting unrealistically sophisticated and mature teen characters? For some possibly unknowable reason, that is definitely a draw. This is essentially Vampire Academy mega-lite, with the naive heroine Bianca dealing with some toothy issues alongside her first romantic relationship with the only-somewhat-swoon-worthy Lucas. The secondary love interest, Balthazar, seems more attractive and interesting.

The pacing is quick and the suspense easy enough to buy into for a fun, casual little read, with a main twist which is clever and creative.

8 pink flowers out of ten.

Clockwork Prince (Infernal Devices #2) by Cassandra Clare

After a rather lackluster installment in the Mortal Instruments series, Clare is back with an astoundingly delightful, deeply romantic and highly thrilling entry in her Victorian-set prequel series The Infernal Devices. The love triangle (but of course) between Tessa, Will, and Jem heats up - mainly due to Will's artifice of not loving Tess, which leads her to accept Jem's affections instead. Since Will isn't especially good at hiding his feelings, whether in searching gazes, compliments, caresses, or other key signs, Tessa seems a bit impetuous and blind for leaping into Jem's arms. After all, the latter fellow is dying (one wonders if a reprieve does exist for Jem?) and needs Tessa's love with a desperation which makes it a bit cruel for her to feign more of it than she really feels. The love scenes with Tessa and Jem lack any real spark, while the tension sizzles between Tessa and Will throughout the novel.

The main plotline follows the Institute's attempts to catch the evil Magistar, in the meantime outing Jessamine's fumbling bad girl activities, secrets of Will's family and past, and unearthing even more unsolved mysteries. The ending, while exceedingly frustrating, lays the ground for some serious angst in the next novel - a quality wherein Clare excels.

10 pink flowers out of ten.

Ruthless (Pretty Little Liars #10)

Overall, this was another extraordinarily suspenseful and enjoyable PLL novel, with a prickly and unpredictable new foil (Kelsey) and yet another slip into insanity for Spencer.

Emily, as always, is tormented relentlessly throughout the story - the other girls are intermittently granted brief bits of happiness with their boyfriends, but Em's trouble with the laydays seems to know no end.

After everything she's been through, Hanna still hasn't learned that divulging someone else's massive, horrible secret is a poor form of vengeance - I expect that she'll regret telling Liam's family secret when the next novel rolls around.

Aria's plotline is, unfortunately, just ridiculous. Seriously, I hate Noel. How dare he believe "Klaudia" for all that time and then humiliatingly dump Aria and date that Finnish hussy?! Despite the fact that Ezra's portrayal in this entry is almost entirely unconvincing (he's suddenly egotistical, insecure, and whiny about his writing) (and he makes out with Klaudia??!!), he still doesn't come off as poorly as Noel, though we're still clearly expected to respond with glee when Aria takes the latter back at the end. Gag. Grr. Argh.

It's interesting that Spencer is so desperate and unhinged in the book series, while on the tv show she is the most composed and intelligent of the Liars. While I prefer many aspects of the show to those of the books, the novels are still and always the original, and ultimately a consistently quick and juicy read.

----btw, what happened in Iceland?!

9 pink flowers out of ten.